Not really part of the club

While I may have been a stay at home mom (SAHM), I also confess to not being an official member of the club. I continued to work after my children were born, by choice and necessity. I chose to continue to work as much as reasonable to keep current in my field and the $$ was definitely needed as we progressed from 2 virtually equivalent incomes to one. Still, my work outside of the home was part-time (technically) and thus, I was not really a genuine SAHM and definitely not a working mom (WM)…I languished in between the two worlds…which was OK but a little weird.

Though not part of the SAHM club, I occasionally was invited to some functions (Tupperware parties, Pampered Chef, etc) but never to the Wednesday lunch club (frown) because I worked on Wednesdays, once my youngest child was in pre-school. I don’t really know how my colleagues at the PTO viewed me, but that was also OK. I chose to be at home primarily to be there for my children and have never been a huge fan of situational friends (those you were friends with only because you happened to be forced together around a common goal – a successful Penny Sale, or a rockin’ middle school dance experience. Ps. Even then I bucked the tide when we planned a small (no limos, no dates, no flowers) 8th grade dance and provided the Field Day with Pathmark ice pops (though I confess to the occasional runs to the Italian Ice store to buy crates of ice and scoop for a special end of the year treat.) But we were always about keeping the small town experience real and keeping our children young for as long as possible.

Most of my SAHM peers were like minded, though there were a few who always pushed that envelope – whether it was ‘my kid's more over-scheduled than yours’, or ‘my kid made high honor roll, how about yours?’ I tried to keep perspective. We fought video games and the evil internet as long as possible. [Yes, there were children raised with neither – gasp. I do recall a conversation with my son sometime in the mid 90s when I declared I didn’t think I’d ever have to use email (as I now ‘blog’, the shame)]. I also recall declaring my kids would not have a TV in their rooms, much less a computer (honestly, about 85% of this decision was because we could barely afford one decent TV never mind 4, but rooted in the belief that my childhood memories of 7 of us together watching the same show brought us about as close as seven individual humans could be)…and when they reached 16, the big deal was the potential for a TV in their bedrooms.

Summers, we actually slept in and did ‘nothing’. Again, some of this was because we couldn’t afford nice camps or a summer house, but we definitely knew every free air-conditioned place in the tri-state area. The library was best, museums are good, malls an option, movies were a reasonably priced treat and bowling with bumpers….the best!

Yes, my kids suffered the innocence of their parents, but we also suffered the novelty of being a bit different. My husband and I grew up in very middle (maybe lower middle class) homes where family values of religion, honestly and charity were central. We wanted this to be true for our children too. No matter what you have, you should give and be true to yourself. And as far as we have come as a society, we have lost much of this basic sense. My husband and I worked hard to be sure our children were afforded the preservation of their child-like innocence as long as possible. While it probably wasn’t as long as we thought, I hope it was long enough and special enough because of the choices we made. We may not have had the nicest cars, the best furniture (or sometimes even furniture), surely not the nicest clothes (but they were always clean), or the latest ‘stuff’, but we knew we had each other, unconditionally. I think that’s a good start, for anyone, and most importantly for a child.

Phase 2 and 3 of my formal education

As promised more on ‘finishing school’. After high school (for the most part, uneventfully, but more on that later), I went on to college at nearby Rutgers University. I wasn’t too sure what to make of it, except that it was an extension of required knowledge prior to getting my life ‘started’. I chose RU (and was thrilled they chose me) as I thought since about 13-14 yrs of age that the science of pharmacy was fascinating. Then a friend’s dad told me it could also be lucrative, and offered very diverse opportunities, from selling, to compounding, to hospitals, to business, and on and on. One thing was for sure, I’d never be without a job as long as I wanted to work. For the daughter of Depression survivors and, later, a single mom (actually, a widow, not a single mom by choice or design but nonetheless devastating), durable employability was/is important.

After college, I went to work, married and started my family, all rather natural steps for me. But, from a career perspective, not exactly Gloria Steinem-esque (may require a Google search for some of you….I’ll wait…..). I knew that having my children early was healthy (for me and them…well maybe more so for me…they may have benefited from more experience on my part, but water under the bridge now). But having children just a year into my career brought some challenges for equity and parody in career goals and rewards down the line. Yet, this was my choice, I was (and am) proud of it and began thinking of ways to jumpstart my career, when I was ready.

I tried to gain as much experience as possible while maintaining my focus on my family during this ‘off-ramping’ process [which, by the way, I recently heard an ‘expert’ talking about off-ramping only to find that the ‘experts’ consider a career diversion (aka kids ….? humm) to be 3-5 years. I was a bit longer (about 10 years longer) as I don’t know many kids who are self-sufficient at 5, but, again, I digress]. My experience during this time included teaching my children and others ( a lot), learning from my children and others (also a lot), volunteering, running organizations, fund raising, political office, project management, sampling the diversity of my career opportunities and rounding it all out with back to school…for me.

A doctorate degree was always enticing to me (1) because the terminal degree in my undergrad studies was so very exciting and (2) that would surely provide the jump start and hopefully manage the ‘gap’ in ‘full time’ employment that was likely to work against me when I chose to return to my career.

Interestingly, at one of the interviews when I was selecting a FT position, an interviewer…female of course, asked why did I think I could handle a FT job? This after I had noted that my resume included predominately PT out of the home work, but also noting the significant amount of unpaid work I did concurrently. So, on average, I was ‘working’ 6am until ~11:30pm 6 days a week and a short day on Sunday (7am-2pm) except on Sunday nights when I ran the local Youth Group meetings. Was she kidding, I thought? So I asked, “Are you kidding?” She just looked at me, puzzled and then looked away. She asks which of the 2 positions was I most interested in? I respond, “Which group do you work with?” And I offered that I’d prefer the other. Again, she seemed puzzled. At this point, I interject, “this interview is probably is not going to have a great outcome, so why don’t I just leave you to write up your thoughts and wait outside for the HR guy to come back to take me to lunch?” She agrees. Needless to say, I was not offered either of those positions. Later, more on my learning curve from working with candid, innocent children to savvy, political adults…much more steep than the academic challenges, and ongoing still.

I did complete my graduate work, while my kids were in middle school and some high school, so we all learned together. At the culmination, I did my research project with elderly subjects and teaching them about good pharmaceutical care. Pretty neat stuff. Soon after graduating, but already back in my career track, I decided one more degree was important to fill a gap in my understanding. I completed an MBA program while working and high school/college for my kids.

Before we leave this blog, I must send out a special recognition and thank you to my family. Without the support of my husband and children, none of this would be possible. During the first return to school, I monopolized the VCR (lectures on tape) and disappeared for 12 hour Saturday classes or later for whole weekends. I was working PT through some of this, but away from home (or at home and ‘busy’) full time. More dinners than I’d like were take out; laundry was slow; special treats were more often “semi-homemade” and virtually every where we went, I had a book with me. All in all, dealing with what most others do and we survived. The patience and understanding of my family was essential for these successes and continues to be critical for everything I do or accomplish. It may not have taken a ‘village’ to raise my children, but it certainly took my husband, my children and I working together to earn my post grad degrees. Only shame is that only one name per diploma ( when I make the rules, that one gets amended).